New year, new me! Until February. Ok, lets be honest, we’ll say until mid-January. That’s probably being generous too. I’ve got my mind set on starting my new health kick on Monday! I’ll be spending the weekend getting rid of all the junk food and beer in the house. And by “getting rid of” of course I mean eating and drinking it! I can’t wait to start this journey! The two week long torturous journey of saying no to all the things I love before I eventually give in and convince myself I’m happier in my old ways, even if I am getting fat and lazy. At least I get to eat candy and drink beer! New Years resolutions are bullshit. I’m pretty sure I’ve had the same resolution every year for the past 10 years, so clearly, I am not sticking with it. Since I will most likely fail miserably at my healthy lifestyle resolution, I’ve decided to set some realistic goals for this new year:
- Make my kids do WAY more chores! My kids are definitely getting lazy. In my opinion it’s time they quit mooching off my kindheartedness and start pitching in a little more around here! I know they know how to run the washer and dryer, so why the fuck am I walking all the way downstairs to do their laundry??
- Stop giving a shit about the messy house. 4 kids + 2 dogs + 2 cats + whatever the hell else lives here = messy house. Even if I made them do chores all day it would still be messy. 2016 will be the year to stop giving a shit, and to also surround myself with others who will not give a shit with me!
- Stop feeling guilty if I serve cereal for dinner. Or if I make them serve themselves cereal. It really is ridiculous to be expected to feed them dinner EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. Especially after all the other shit I have to do for them all day long. Cereal for dinner is not so bad.
- Wear leggings, like, every day. I am 100% positive I do not have the ass to look good in leggings, but the comfort of a soft, stretchy pair of leggings is more important to me than the comfort of those around me who are forced to see such a sight. And so, I will strive to wear them daily.
- Cheat at Candyland often. Really I’m doing my kids a disservice by allowing them to win, ever. They will become graceful losers, and learn to congratulate me each time, even as I dance around with my yellow game piece in their faces after I win. I’m Queen of this candy castle, bitches!
- Do more online shopping. I will strive to purchase everything I possibly can on Amazon in order to avoid doing too much work at the grocery store. Paper towels, check. Diapers, check. Coffee, check. Toilet paper, check. Thank you UPS man for working harder, so I don’t have to try and shove TP under my cart with everything else. With 2 kids already in the cart there is very little room for groceries.
- Double my coffee consumption. Well how else am I going to get all this shit done in the new year?
- Yell more often, and louder. I really need to whip these kids into shape and get them to start listening to me more! And what better way to do so, than from the comfort of the couch. If I can start practicing yelling louder, they might be able to hear me better from their rooms. In the mornings when we are trying to get ready for school, I’m just going to start the morning out with yelling. In the past I’ve usually tried so hard to remain calm and collected as I repeat myself a thousand times to get them to do the same shit they know they have to do every single morning, and then finally flipping the fuck out when they don’t listen. Start off with yelling, maybe they listen the first time.
So, I’m pretty sure 2016 is going to be pretty damn amazing, and for the first time I have some resolutions I know I can stick with! Cheers to a new year and a new mom! 
The Business of Being a Perfect Mom and Shit 