Well, after a very scary event this week, I have discovered that I do NOT remain calm in emergency situations like I thought I would. On Tuesday night my 8 month old baby had a seizure in my arms, and let me tell you, I freaked the hell out! Now, most professionals (moms) I’ve talked to since then have said they would have responded the same way, but I am normally a pretty calm mom when it comes to crying, injuries and illnesses. I usually don’t worry much, until there is really a reason to worry, but that “calm mom” was nowhere to be found that night! She left “anxiety mom” to fend for herself!

My daughter’s seizure was caused by her fever, and when it started, I knew immediately what was happening, but still did not keep my shit together! Not one bit! Luckily I was on the phone with my mom, who is a nurse, when it started. She brought me back from my freak-out-fog and told me to calm down and what to do. Even then, I felt totally helpless and kept shouting and crying while watching her shake uncontrollably and become completely unresponsive. I had to give her mouth to mouth at one point to get her breathing again, and she was taken to the hospital by ambulance. Unfortunately, my other three children were home at the time and saw the whole thing. They saw mommy lose control, and I’m sure I scared the crap out of them!

So, as I said, every mom I’ve talked to has said they would have responded the same way if it had been their child, and I’m sure that’s true, but I can’t help but feel guilty and like a bad mom because I lost my cool. WTF?! Why do I feel so bad about being hysterical while watching something insanely scary happen to my baby that I’ve never experienced before? I don’t even remember everything that happened exactly between the time the seizure started and the time we arrived at the hospital. It’s all a blur! I do remember being frustrated by the calmness of the first responders that showed up and wondered why they weren’t freaking out with me! I even tried to share some of my hysteria with them, but they didn’t fall for it. I guess they are trained to remain calm. I must have missed class that day.

Since Tuesday, I’ve gone over the events of that night ten thousand times, and decided I need to stop feeling guilty right now! I realized I am being way too hard on myself, but all moms are hard on themselves. It’s what we do! Part of it is I think I had higher expectations of myself at this point in my mom-hood to be able to handing anything, and then, when faced with an emergency, I became a raving lunatic! I’m sure another part of my guilt stems for not thinking of my other children and how scary it must have been for them to witness. Panic-Stricken Mommy is not someone they’ve ever met before. While most of the events are a blur, the looks on their chubby little faces are forever burned in to my mind, and I knew right then how terrified they were. At the time, however, I did not have the opportunity or the ability to reassure them. I think that is what bothers me the most, but it shouldn’t!

Here is what I realized looking back on that night: I know that I did the absolute best I could that day, and my children know that I would always do the best I could for them. They may have been scared but they trusted, despite my panic, that I would do what I needed to do for her. I didn’t know at the time that everything would be fine, so it’s OK that I didn’t tell them that it would be. It’s OK that I cried and screamed and was scared. I still followed the instructions given to me to keep my baby alive and safe until help arrived. It’s OK that my other kids were scared. They love their sister and should be worried for her! The older boys took their other little sister to the bedroom and shut the door. They knew what to do, and my panicked reaction to the situation allowed them to understand that it was serious and they needed to do anything they could to help me. Even if it meant they needed to remain calm and stay out of the way. We all did our best when we didn’t know what to do.

My precious Dottie Bear is still recovering, but is going to be just fine. We were told that there is a chance she could have a febrile seizure again in the future, so hopefully I will be more prepared to handle it next time. This crazy, scary situation has helped me understand that I’m doing just fine as a mom. It’s OK for moms to freak out sometimes! Hell, my three year old freaks out when she can’t open her cheese stick, so I really should cut myself some slack about freaking out about my baby muffin pie having a seizure! Losing your shit is all part of being a mom! It’s impossible to know what our reaction will be when the adrenaline kicks in and we have to act fast, or when our patience is pushed to the limits. Even if it’s not an emergency situation, it’s OK to lose your shit! Losing your shit is how you learn, and then next time you’re faced with a shit losing situation, you might be a little better at keeping your shit together. Unless your kids are a-holes. In which case, please feel free to continue losing your shit on a regular basis!

Having children makes life completely unpredictable, and all moms have those moments when they think they’re doing it wrong. Just know that you’re not. If you love them, and are doing the best you can for them, you’re not doing it wrong. I am going to make an effort to accept the fact that I sometimes let my fear and emotions get the best of me. I know that Panic-Stricken Mommy will most likely return some day and Losing-Her-Shit Mommy is always right around the corner! It’s OK though! They’re really not so bad!

But if the zombie apocalypse happens…I’m definitely screwed.